12/31/03
dear bent,
i love the way you laugh when i tickle you,the way your forehead creases when you're thinking very hard,the way you puzzle over silly stuff like how a dog walks,the way your face is animated when you talk about your father, the way you talk when you're brushing your teeth, the way you smile when something pleases you, the way you worry about the scars of the pimples you popped, the weird way you have of looking at life, the way your shoulders heave when you sing a jakob dylan song, the poker-faced expression when i say something hurtful (which i don't mean...), the way you pour water in my glass, the way you don't seem to be in the least bit intimidated by a chess opponent,the way you make me laugh about a story i never thought could be funny ...i can go on, i guess until this space is filled with the testament of the things i love about you...pero isa ra may padulngan ani tanan akong giingon diba? that...I LOVE YOU. period (quoting my kid sis sandra).
the little drummer girl
02/03/04
dear bent,
"if wishes were horses, beggars would ride."
today, i feel that i am floating again in the sea of nameless events. the history of my pre- bent life will repeat itself. i will drift from day to day without compass. and i will become a Louis chasing the phantom that was the past. the past that would, in the future, seem perfect for all its painful and poignant moments.
time, i know, will blur the intensity of the pain that the memory of you carries. but you will be in my dreams. every man i meet will have a little of you in him because i cannot let you go completely.
see you in the next life when we are both cats...
i love you. i have enough of it to last me a long time.
the little drummer girl :-(
02/04/04
bent my precious,
(hehe, tama bang gawin kong journal tong email mo?)
i dreamt about you last night. today, i simply miss you. i get tempted to call you every few minutes. there's a storm raging in my mind. i fear that i might regret this decision. but if i do, and i look back on this in the future, i shall be consoled by the thought that i have acted according to the best of my capacity to understand my own strength and flaws.i admit this is not the strongest emotion i have ever felt...but this is the strongest attachment so far for someone real----or were you/ are you real? perhaps, i simply imagined the magic i felt during that brief time we had together. but really bent, it was a beautiful time for me...and i try to hold on to that feeling.
your friendship means a lot to me. and i hope this will over soon.
so we can hang out again, laugh about stuff, talk about the meaning of life, theorize about men and women and why they do what they do.
basta, pray for me. sa akong struggle, without you. i wish you all the best---from the bowels of my being, with all the depth of my soul, walang stir, true, honest. when i am older and wiser, i'll
think of you and remember how you have enriched my life. and malay mo, in a few weeks time, i'll find out if i am granted the little
bent i secretly hope against hope for.
"every month is november for me. and i love you everyday."
the little drummer girl :)
02/05/04
bent my precious,
i watched mona lisa smile today. i loved it, i guess. but you know what, my heart missed a beat when i saw the trailer of cold mountain. god, jude law IS beautiful! maybe there's a god after all...naisip nako, how can someone be so beautiful? i wanted to throw away my vow, call you and invite you to watch it with me. but the moment simply passed.
i missed you. i miss you. my goal for this week is 91. wala lang. trip lang nako i-share.
sometimes, i feel so universal...di nako ma-explain. basta, i feel like i am the grand scheme that the supreme being designed, if one exists, and that all else that happen in everyday life is petty and worth not an ounce of pain, and conversely, happiness. ah, there i go...i'm babbling, again.
what have you been up to, lately? who are you doing? :)
i'm sure you missed me too, so i don't have to ask about that...:)
la lang, just wanted to say hi. and that i'm on my way to yenz.
still here,
the little drummer girl
01/09/05
bi,
this was a note i wrote when you were in iligan for a tournament:
i am going through the longest days of my life. it's september and days should be shorter but they seem to stagnate, as if frozen in time...because you are not here. but i somehow catch myself smiling... i roll my eyes, remembering your joke about einstein's theory of relativity. i find myself shaking my head, looking at the things around me, imagining the weird perspective they would have aroused in that brilliant head of yours. unbelievable isn't it? how a person could amaze me at every turn, without effort...without guile. you dwarf every other memory of my past and the strongest outburst of emotions i have had seem puny and infantile...jakob dylan was right. "and all those times before i met you were like ice cream falling on these shoes of my world". ice cream falling lang, transitory...what more can i say, lucky "little drummer girl that i am"?
smolhauz and me
