LOST

from my Friendster Blog
11/17/07

I’m crushed between
my left and right thoughts
I knock, and I swim, and I hide
deep in the blood of my veins
I wait to reach my eyes
as I open them
I float into the night
Oh, I’m lost, I guess for good
find me if you can,
I’m like that artist
with a carpenter’s hand.
I show mysef to you,
you try to read me aloud.
when you look again,
you realize I’m gone
won’t it be better if
I dont need you to understand?

Melancholia

from my Friendster Blog
written 10/17/03, 04:22pm 

you came like a vision. garbed in that raiment of shadows. you stared with clouded eyes and laughed with a mouth lined in pain. you waved to me. with that contriving left hand. that spins a wasteland of half-buried despair. i walked with hurried steps. to you. it was folly. you’d let no one through. that impregnable door of your desolation. in the silence of your wailing, i saw you smile in triumph. i’m sorry, i didn’t know. you were waving me away.

A Confession to Her

from my Friendster Blog 
06/28/06 11:55am, guada

what did i know of transcendence before i met you? i have always taken pride in my ability to brush aside conventions, norms… fancying myself too enlightened to bother with such social impositions. but your very name alone humbles me which is by no means the only thing about you that does. and i guess, finally, this is transcendence. what is gender to me now?


–about a stunningly beautiful being of the same sex (@ambergris)

Musings

from my Friendster Blog 09/04/07
written 08/14/07  9:25am, las piñas

I am a walking time bomb. I wait to explode but instead I crumple unto myself, like a doll made of paper. The past laughs at me, mocking my indifference to the lessons it had plastered on the walls of my eyes. You all smile knowingly and I look with studied nonchalance. Someday, John Galt will have nothing on me. For now, let the song stand in my stead. 

" And all the talks and all the lies were all the empty things disguised as me…"

Undead

from my Friendster Blog
written 10/30/07

how do you emerge from a life fraught with so much disillusionment? why have i allowed my insatiable passion to die? my tongue has gone to sleep and my fingers are typing words barely recognizable to me. have i finally succumbed to silence? i can remember a time when i was capable of extreme anger, joy as oppressive as grief, pain that makes you want to lie down on the pavement while it rains… i can recall purposely contracting dengue fever just to make a point and even hammering my first mobile phone into pieces in a fit of rage. i can recall how hard it was to breathe with my heart pounding while i willed the pacers to win game 7 against the bulls. i am reminded of the jolas days, the sorrow over the loss of my faith in a supreme being, the amazement at frank mccourt’s life, the bitter disappointment that i can never pen a novel as life-altering and all-encompassing as the brothers karamazov.

i used to feel with an intensity unparalleled by those i know. but i have forgotten how to become that person again. i don’t even know if i care. sometimes, i think to myself that like tristan (legends of the fall), maybe, i am the rock they broke themselves against. perhaps, it’s only that i’m too strong for normal people. but of course i know better. it’s only indifference, obliviousness, detachment.

it bothers me that this does not bother me at all!

The Downside of Acute Self-Awareness

from my Friendster Blog
written 12/05/07

for a whole month now, death has haunted me. i mean i’m sure most of us have a fear of death. it is a natural human reaction to the unknown. i used to spring from my bed at night at the sudden realization that we do die, all of us. for quite a while, this fear, well not so much fear as it is helplessness from something imminent and inevitable, this feeling had been relegated to some remote part of my brain. and for reasons still unknown to me, it has resurfaced with renewed force. i wake up and laugh at the meaninglessness of it all. why, we do worry about so many things! so many things that in the end would make no difference, would not cause a ripple in our transient existence! we work so hard to get paid to buy our needs to survive day to day only to die. it makes perfect sense to say IT DOESN’T MAKE SENSE AT ALL!