"The moment someone keeps an eye on what we do, we involuntarily make allowances for that eye, and nothing we do is truthful. Having a public, keeping a public in mind, means living in lies."
(Ah, the irony of explaining why you hate to explain!)
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I have been a Facebook prisoner for the better part of six years. I feel helplessly trapped, like an innocent man sentenced to Life Without the Possibility of Parole.
An overwhelming chunk of the world's population thrives in the digital world. For a long time, I was part of this population. Until the unthinkable happened. I began unveiling my soul through social media, Facebook in particular.
I am horrified at how I knowingly continue to be the most untrue version of myself. Upon reflection some years back, I discovered I lacked the gift of social grace. The smallest pleasantries vex me to no end. I am envious of people who can manage themselves very well privately and publicly. I wish posting my innermost thoughts brings me the same feeling of release as it does everyone else. Reluctantly, however, I can't help but regard certain people with the highest respect. Those who couldn't care less about Facebook.
What a lethal combination for me to have a public account and yet hate small talk. When I post, it will almost always be about something or someone I hold very dearly. I am increasingly alarmed at the rate I am sharing the deepest parts of who I am and feeling extremely depleted afterwards for having let loose a part of me that I can never get back. Commiting treason against myself? A hundred counts or more.
Inevitably, with alarm bells unheeded, the Facebook culture has slowly seeped into my veins. I am aghast to look back at status updates about stuff I used to have the slightest concern for.
The most distressful thing, however, is having to make allowances for the eyes that might read my posts. I keep making these allowances against my will and my better judgment. I abhor it in the strongest possible terms! It is like a corrosive substance eating away bit by bit the very fiber of my being.
So how do I walk away from it all and live as close to my nature as possible? Funny, to be in the viselike grip of something I thought was an instrument of Freedom!
To the digital world, please find below the reasons I am reluctant to deactivate my account:
1. How do I transfer into one personal file all the beautiful memories I have kept a record of in my account throughout all these years, except by the painstaking process of doing it manually?
2. Facebook bridges geographical distances. It keeps you connected to important people in your life no matter where they are in the world. Cutting this cord could mean ending the one thing that holds your relationship together, that sense of still being able to share the milestones in each other's lives, even if only digitally.
3. Facebook could save your life or those of others. Like television news, but only more accessible, it can be a source of live updates about current events, disasters and emergencies. And oh dear, I can't even begin to explain what this means to me.
Having reassessed the possible impacts of relinquishing these conveniences, I again vacillate.
Aidez-moi s’il vous plaît!
