Block 118 Lor 1 Toa Payoh 310118
20 Apr 2014
0125am


bi,

I wish you were here so you could hold me and look into the depths of my soul, to see me for who I am- a cold steel with a beating heart. I read somewhere that we never really change, that we only become more fully what we are. So after 3 decades, the self I thought I have only stumbled upon was revealed to me in horror and fascination. I am a thousand Gabrielle de Lioncourts and Christabel LaMottes, rolled into one.

My longing for solitude is equaled only by my desire for another being who would have the slightest understanding of who I am so that I would have no need to explain myself, to venture with words that never fail to fail me. On second thought, no, I don't even require understanding, as Eudoxia would put it. I wanted only a kindred, a soul made of the same stuff.

But what a powerful adversary life is. How easy one can be thrown into the mundane and be a slave to it. How effortlessly it has engulfed that part of me that yearns for the mountains, and green riverbanks, to wander around at dawn, holding your hand, and no one else's. To bask in the fading rays of the sun, to hear the ocean waves, to watch the stars and look death squarely in the eyes while this little spark that is our life together outshines even for a fleeting instant what is to be our destiny- oblivion. I love you, without meaning, without compass. I love you, like a question with no answers.

the little drummer girl